When “Besties” Hurt: Understanding Emotionally Abusive Friendships Between Teen Girls

When we talk about emotionally abusive relationships, most people picture romantic partners. However, a trend I am seeing more and more as an adolescent therapist is emotionally abusive friendships, particularly amongst females.

Conflict in friendships is inevitable, particularly throughout the tumultuous teenage years when establishing independence, identity, and social groups are the key developmental tasks. However, there is a tipping point when conflict or "drama" can slip into a more serious situation, and start to present itself as abuse. Because people typically reserve such a term for romantic relationships, and because of the normalization of drama within friendships, this can be easily overlooked by outsiders. Coming forward for help when you are the victim in an abusive relationship is always hard no matter what, but because of the fact that abuse in friendships is not as easily recognized, it can make it even harder for those victims to speak up (or even notice the abuse themselves!)

So what exactly is that tipping point? How can we tell when conflict and drama has become more than that? An emotionally abusive friendship is one where power, control, manipulation, and fear are prevalent within the relationship. These dynamics can be easy to miss, as oftentimes they show up in what looks like on the surface as fierce loyalty or a deep caring for a friend. But when one person is finding themselves walking on eggshells, bending over backwards to please their friend, or feeling like they have to adjust the way they want to live their lives to fit their friend's needs/desires, that is when it becomes a concern.

What are some key signs that a friendship may be emotionally abusive?

• They control who you can be friends with.

  • Forcing you to pick sides when they are in conflict with someone else

  • Making you feel like you can't spend time with anybody but them

  • Trying to monopolize your time by always making plans with you and inserting themselves into your life without invitation

  • Making you feel guilty for hanging out with other people

  • Creating drama or conflict between you and other people in order to alienate you from others

• They put you down

  • Teasing you or being critical - but then retracting it as a joke or framing it as "helping" you

  • Making you feel overly sensitive for feeling criticized or offended

  • Bragging about themselves to make you feel "less than" in comparison

• You feel like you're walking on eggshells around them

  • They get upset over little things

  • They make you feel bad about small mistakes

  • They blame you or make you feel responsible for their emotions

  • They rarely, if ever, take accountability or apologize, and in turn, make you feel like you are constantly needing to apologize, even for things that aren't your fault

• They gaslight you

  • They deny things that they clearly said or did, and accuse you of misremembering, or making it up

  • They tell you that your reactions or feelings to something hurtful are "dramatic" or "crazy"

  • They twist situations to make you out to be the villain, and them the victim

  • They cause you to fear retribution or losing their friendship, time, or attention

• Their friendship is inconsistent

  • They are "love-bombing" you one second, and completely blocking you out the next

  • They call you their BFF one day and are talking trash about you the next

  • They send you mixed messages about your friendship status with contradictory communication and actions

• They take advantage of you

  • You often pay their way, buy them things, or let them borrow things, and they do not reciprocate

  • They lean on you for emotional support, but do not offer the same in return

  • They ask you to give up your time for them and prioritize them when they need it, but are not there for you when you ask the same of them

If any of the above feel all too familiar, there are things you can do.

• Set clear boundaries, and do not bend. Make it clear what you will or will not tolerate, and stick to that.

• Communicate clearly what your needs are in your friendship, and how your friend is impacting you. Don't let them try to convince you you are "wrong" or "crazy" for having those needs.

• Do not let them isolate you. Keep in contact with other friends, and seek support from friends and family.

• Stay steady and grounded in your experience of the friendship. Try not to let them convince you that your feelings or experiences are wrong, invalid, or crazy. Gut check yourself with loved ones if needed.

• Build up your tolerance for your friends' pain. Do not avoid setting boundaries in order to avoid causing your friend pain. Their feelings are their feelings, and are solely their responsibility for working through, not yours. You are not responsible for making sure they feel "okay."

If you try or have tried to improve the situation in your friendship, and it feels like nothing has worked, do not be afraid to end the friendship. While ending a friendship is always hard, we also know that friendships commonly come in and out of our lives, and that is okay, and sometimes needed. You are allowed to grieve the loss of the friendship, and wish things were different, and also recognize that it's necessary. Your friend will likely make it very difficult for you to end the friendship, so stay steady and firm in your choice. Know that any "fallout" your friend my create as a result (another manipulation tactic), will pass. Make sure people in your life know about your intentions so they can support you and help you not feel isolated or alone while you work through the process.

Friendships should add to your life, not drain it. And you have the right to set clear boundaries and prioritize your own needs when things feel off balance.

If you or your loved one are struggling with this, please don't hesitate to contact me for support.